Joined: May 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 99 Location: California Karma: 7
A Fresh Perspective « Thread Started on Nov 5, 2009, 5:12pm »
Hello My Friends,
I have a story that I'd like to share with all of you. Something profoundly tragic and something quite inspirational has occurred in my life recently and it has given me a new outlook on life, & on healing, and I'd like to share it with you . It is sad but it ends well...sort of.
Last March (2009)I had my 4th full week dose of a Fluoroquinolone antibiotic, this particular dose was my second round of Levaquin within a months time. At the same time my good friend Heidi (who is also 28 years old- we grew up together) was battling an illness of her own. You see, Heidi had to have a bone marrow transplant in March .
The procedure went very well, the doctors were pleased and after several months of recovery at Stanford University, she was allowed to come home. But she still had to avoid large crowds and pesky life threatening germs so she spent many hours each day on the internet. Seeing as I was stuck in a medical bed as well due to the Fluoroquinolone Toxicity Poisoning, we both found ourselves on line and discussing similar things, and we fast became healing buddies .
She was always making me laugh at our conditions, & reminding me of the importance of staying positive and optimistic. We read books about healing and the power of our minds, of meditation, and supplements. We watched funny movies and comedians. She was this beautiful bald headed, inspirational fire cracker!! And I clung to her words of vitality, you see she wasn't as depressed as I had been. She had a new birthday the day that she had her bone marrow transplant and she relished in the opportunity to just be alive. I was amazed by her strength and positive attitude .
She became my personal inspiration of strength during my own battle. I have never experienced such a painful, draining, nightmare, depression causing, emotionally taxing horror that is this thing that we call FQ Poisoning . Month after month of relentless pain, anxiety, sleeplessness... I have often referred to it as my personalized hell. And yet, my friend Heidi was going through the fight of her life praying for one more day to be alive just to feel pain, or tiredness, or joy...just to get to be here. She often put me in my place. I would feel ashamed at my roller coaster of emotions especially the negative ones . And yes, I realize that it's perfectly natural to be some what of a basket case while going through an ordeal like we all are so I'll give myself a break.
I'll never forget Heidi's words when she told me " We have no choice but to get better. There just is no other option."
Wallowing in our own self pity would be the easiest thing to do. I can't tell you how many times I have laid here in my bed balling at the pain & injustice of this experience. But her words cut through my veil of misery. The way we choose to handle what we have been dealt is a CHOICE, we can choose to be bitter and angry, depressed and miserable, we can choose to give up, OR we can choose to be optimistic and fight with everything that we are to be well again. Giving up just isn't an option for me.
Last week Heidi passed away. Her young husband and her family were at her side as she took her last breaths in this world. My spirits sank, and for about a week I felt like all of my hope for recovery died with my friend, who had promised that our hopeful optimism and proactive self healing would save us . And then I realized that she was right.
Life is a gift, an amazing gift that shouldn't be taken for granted. Every morning that we wake up is a blessing, every emotion or feeling is a gift. You see we get to be here. We may be going through an awfully Sh***y time in our lives right now, BUT WE ARE STILL ALIVE . We have futures ahead of us for however many years God allows, and we should not take our precious time here for granted. We will get through this.
Just the other day when the grumbling monster of self pity crept over me because I couldn't just get up and walk to the bathroom. I used my hands to help lift my legs into my wheelchair and cried because I realized how childish I was being. I HAVE LEGS, and they will work again just fine. There are people in this world who don't have legs, they don't have the opportunity to feel pain in their legs, they'll never walk again. Period. How ungrateful of me to let my current difficulties cause me to forget HOW BLESSED I AM.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we need to keep our perspectives healthy about our FQ Poisoning. Every breath, every movement, everything that we CAN do, painful or not needs to be rejoiced. It is selfish, and a complete waste of our time on this earth to allow something like this to consume us too fully . It is devastating and as my son would say "it really sucks bad" but at least we get to be here. At least we have the opportunity to get better. We may never get back our physical health like we had prior to floxing, but we get to be alive. I suggest making a long list of all of the things that you are grateful for. And then when you start to feel down, read your list to yourself. Everything counts, being able to type on the computer because I have fingers that work (they're extremely sore right now by the way, but I don't care).
There are so many things to be grateful for, we have it so much better than a lot of people. There are people who are are far worse off than we are!!!
I just want to say thank you for reading my thoughts, and thank you for being supportive and wonderful friends . I don't think that healthy people can truly understand (although they may be very sweet & try to) what we are going through and what life looks like through our eyes right now. But I'll tell you what, LIFE LOOKS A LOT BRIGHTER when I break it down to the basics.
Heidi is in heaven & she isn't feeling anymore pain and I am grateful for that. But the fact that her life was stolen from her far too soon, and the fact the she wanted to live so badly and fought with every cell in her body to get better just to make it one more year, one more month, one more week...just one more day. And she didn't get to. BUT WE GET TO!!
She is physically gone, her husband can't hold her, her parents can't watch her raise a family, they will never have grandchildren, her chocolate lab Daisy will never get to wag with joy because she's come home,her friends will never hear her laughter & I will never get to hear her words of wisdom ever again during this earthly life. And it is the world's loss, and heaven's gain.
My friend Heidi helped me find a positive perspective in my own life. And I'm not going to let her down . Or my family and friends. There will be hard days, there will be sad days, and days full of pain and anxiety, but there will be good days again. And each and every day is worth living.
I hope that you can find a sense of joy & comfort in your families, your friends, a good book, or your pets..something, anything that makes life remain sweet in your heart. I pray that you all will heal quickly, that your pain will be diminished and that you will walk away from this unhappy time in our lives with your chin held high and a smile on your face. Let's not waste away...we have millions of people to warn about Fluoroquinolones...lives to save & to live.
Joined: Mar 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 188 Karma: 6
Re: A Fresh Perspective « Reply #3 on Nov 5, 2009, 7:08pm »
Thanks Moxie for sharing your personal story. I'm sorry for your loss but Hedi's life was not lived in vein. Among other people her life has touched I'm sure , she has inspired you and all of us through you to live a life of hope and gratitude.
Today I was thinking about FDR, how overnight he became paralyzed but never gave up the hope of walking again. I was thinking about him as I was walking in pain and thought that he would have given anything to be able to walk the way I am able to walk.
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. It is sad but it ends well...sort of.
.
.![[image]](http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r184/Floxed/Smilies/laugh.gif)
She was this beautiful bald headed, inspirational fire cracker!! And I clung to her words of vitality, you see she wasn't as depressed as I had been. She had a new birthday the day that she had her bone marrow transplant and she relished in the opportunity to just be alive. I was amazed by her strength and positive attitude ![[image]](http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r184/Floxed/Smilies/angel.gif)
.![[image]](http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r184/Floxed/Smilies/gravenights.gif)
. Month after month of relentless pain, anxiety, sleeplessness... I have often referred to it as my personalized hell. And yet, my friend Heidi was going through the fight of her life praying for one more day to be alive just to feel pain, or tiredness, or joy...just to get to be here. She often put me in my place. I would feel ashamed at my roller coaster of emotions especially the negative ones 
. And yes, I realize that it's perfectly natural to be some what of a basket case while going through an ordeal like we all are so I'll give myself a break.
. And then I realized that she was right. ![[image]](http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r184/Floxed/Smilies/Bounce.gif)
. We have futures ahead of us for however many years God allows, and we should not take our precious time here for granted. We will get through this.![[image]](http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r184/Floxed/Smilies/Angry.gif)
. It is devastating and as my son would say "it really sucks bad" but at least we get to be here. At least we have the opportunity to get better. We may never get back our physical health like we had prior to floxing, but we get to be alive. I suggest making a long list of all of the things that you are grateful for. And then when you start to feel down, read your list to yourself. Everything counts, being able to type on the computer because I have fingers that work (they're extremely sore right now by the way, but I don't care). 
. I don't think that healthy people can truly understand (although they may be very sweet & try to) what we are going through and what life looks like through our eyes right now. But I'll tell you what, LIFE LOOKS A LOT BRIGHTER when I break it down to the basics. 
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so much, Moxie, for the excellent reminder and touching personal story. You are so right that how we view and experience each moment is a choice.
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